


Again and Again

by giantpanda



Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Death Fix, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fix-It, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24405319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giantpanda/pseuds/giantpanda
Summary: Claire gets stuck in a time loop relieving the day of the earthquake over and over.  Is she destined to relive Neil's death over and over again or will she be able to fix it?
Relationships: Claire Browne/Neil Melendez
Comments: 12
Kudos: 51





	Again and Again

**Author's Note:**

> I started the book "Life After Life" and was struck by the following quote, “What if we had a chance to do it again and again, until we finally did get it right? Wouldn’t that be wonderful?” Edward Beresford Todd. I think that Claire would be questioning what she had done wrong and what she could have done differently. This is the story that came from these thoughts.

_“What if we had a chance to do it again and again, until we finally did get it right? Wouldn’t that be wonderful?” Edward Beresford Todd  
“Life After Life” by Kate Atkinson_

I.

The only word Claire can use to describe what she felt was numb. For a brief moment she had felt complete happiness when Neil had told her that he loved her too. She had laid her head against his chest, his hands caressing her, as he had taken his last breaths. He was gone. All that was left were the memories she had of their time together, and a long list of ones they never got to make.

She crawled into bed, hoping that she would quickly be able to fall asleep. Maybe she would get the chance to see him in her dreams, but she knew she wouldn’t be that lucky. She blamed herself for his death. She hadn’t pushed hard enough for him to return to the hospital to get checked out. She should have done more for him. If she hadn’t loved him, he would still be alive. She knew now that she was toxic, just like her mother.

With a sob, she closed her eyes and wept for all she had lost.

II.

Her alarm startled her awake. She hadn’t remember setting it the night before. She reached over turned off the beeping and pulled the cover back over her head. She knew that she wasn’t expected at the hospital after the earthquake. She felt the stabbing pain in her chest as she remembered that Neil was gone. How was she ever going to go back in there without him?

She allowed herself to give into the sadness. Give into her grief for all that was lost. He had become her best friend, and in her hidden fantasies, he would have been so much more. She mourned all the things she had never truly allowed herself to want. Marriage, kids, a life together. She wasted so much time just because she was afraid. Afraid of hurting him, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of the consequences at work.

Claire lost track of time as she indulged in what would never be. She didn’t know what she was going to do, how she was going to move on. She thought of how she handled losing her mother, and how Neil had been the one to pull her from her grief. Now she had no one. As much as she wanted to continue to numb the pain, she knew she would never go back to what she had done then. It would be a dishonor to his memory. She fought back a sob. It was all so unfair.

She was pulled from her thoughts by her phone ringing. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, wanted to be alone in her misery. After a few rings it stopped, only to start up again. Without looking to see who it was she answered.

“What?”

“Good morning to you too,” he said with a laugh.

Her heart skipped. She had never expected to hear his voice again. She didn’t understand how she was hearing it now. She had been with him when he had taken his last breath. Could still feel the moment his hands had slipped from her hair and his chest stilled.

“Neil?” she asked, her voice quivering.

“Are you okay?”

She could hear the concern in his voice. She couldn’t stop the sob that escaped.

“Claire,” he said urgently. “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head to try to clear her thoughts. Obviously, she had a dream, a horrible nightmare. Neil couldn’t be on the phone talking to her if had died the previous day.

“Sorry,” she said trying to get herself under control. “I had a bad dream.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” she answered. How would she even begin to explain it to him? “Why are you calling so early?” she asked to change the subject.

“I wanted to see if you wanted to meet for breakfast.”

“Of course,” she said, her desire to see him was so strong. “I’ll see you in twenty minutes.”

“I woke you up,” he said laughing. “I’ll be lucky if I see you in thirty.”

“I’ll see you soon,” she said softy.

“I’ll have coffee waiting for you.”

She hung up feeling a mixture of relief and confusion. The dream had felt so real. That level of grief did not feel possible from a dream. She glanced at the time on her phone. Her eyes fell to the date. She frowned. How was the date the same as it had been yesterday?

Shaking the thoughts away, she rushed to get ready to see Neil. No matter what had happened she needed to see him.

She entered the café twenty-five minutes later. She quickly spotted Neil in their booth. She took a moment to look at him before making her way over. He looked like himself. His coloring wasn’t the ashy gray it had been the night before, or rather in her dreams.

As she slid in across from him, he frowned.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

She took a sip of coffee, grateful for so many things.

“Weird dreams,” she answered. “How are you?”

She could tell that he wanted to ask her more, but as always, he respected her boundaries. She wasn’t exactly sure how to tell him that she dreamt that they confessed their feeling for each other as he was on his deathbed. How would he feel to know she dreamt that he had died with her beside him?

He started talking about the fundraiser at the brewery and she felt numb again. She thought back to the date she had seen on her phone. She thought of warning him not to go but realized she would sound crazy. Instead, she enjoyed having breakfast with him grateful that she would have another chance of building a future with him.

They headed to the hospital together talking about a new restaurant he wanted them to try on their next day off. She wasn’t on his rotation today, so once inside the hospital they went their separate ways.

All day Claire was hit with a sense of déjà vu. Patients that were the same as her dream, conversations that were the same. It threw her off balance.

And then the earthquake hit, and everything happened exactly like the dream.

III.

Her alarm startled her awake. She hadn’t remembered setting it the night before. She sat up and picked up her phone. She stared at in confusion. It was the morning of the earthquake. Again. She felt the panic building up in her chest. What was happening? She had already watched Neil die twice. Was she destined to do it again? 

She laid in bed trying to make sense of it all. She was reminded of the movie Groundhog’s Day. Was she going to have to relieve one of the worst days of her life over and over again? Was it punishment for falling in love?

Her phone rang interrupting her thoughts. She glanced down and saw Neil’s name. Taking a deep breath, she answered. 

“Good morning,” she tried to keep her voice steady, but she should’ve known he would notice.

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a strange dream. I’m fine,” she answered. “Do you want to meet for breakfast?”

“I was calling to ask you.” She could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll see you in thirty.”

She hung up the phone unsure what was happening, but she knew that no matter what she needed to see him.

As she entered the café, she watched him. She noticed the way the sunlight was highlighting the gray at his temples. She was hit with an overwhelming wave of sadness as she realized at the end of the day she would once again be saying goodbye to him. 

She realized that she must make a change. She could not keep watching him die. She decided that this time she is going to pay attention to everything that happened, and when she woke up to do it all again tomorrow, she would start making changes. This had to be happening for a reason.

She let the rest of the day unfold as the previous few have. She told herself it would be easier this time since she knew there would be another chance to fix it.

As she rested her head against his chest, waiting for him to take his last breath she realized how wrong she was.

IV.

This time she was awake before her alarm went off. She had already started thinking of a plan to keep Neil safe. She needed to keep him away from the brewery, but she wasn’t sure how to make that happen without him thinking she had lost her mind. Although, honestly, she was beginning to question her own sanity.

Checking the date on her phone, she made sure it was still the date of the earthquake. With a shaky breath she called Neil.

“Hey,” he answered. “I was just about to call you.”

She allowed the relief of hearing his voice to wash over her. She had already watched him die three times. She refused to let there be a fourth.

“I wanted to see if you wanted to meet up for breakfast.”

“You read my mind. I’ll see you soon.”

She hung up and quickly got ready to meet him. Her only goal was to make sure that he did not attend the party at the brewery.

As she entered the café, she can’t help but look at him for a moment. Even reliving this day again and again, she still is so relieved to see him. She noticed the smile on his face when he saw her. She knew she had a matching one on her face.

Sliding into the booth across from him, she took a sip of coffee.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Claire was used to taking care of herself and hiding her turn feelings, but somehow Neil was able to crash through all the walls she had built around herself. 

“I didn’t sleep well,” she admitted. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head. “It’s okay, just some weird dreams.”

As they finished breakfast, they talked about some of their patients. Neil mentioned a new restaurant that he wanted them to try their next day off.

“Why don’t we go tonight?” she offered. She didn’t remember seeing anything about damage to that restaurant after the earthquake.

“Aren’t you on shift tonight?”

“I could switch with someone.”

“Someone is really excited to try a new Italian place,” he teased.

She took another sip of coffee. She just wanted him to stay alive.

“Unfortunately,” he continued. “I have that fundraiser at the brewery to go to.”

“Or you could skip it.”  
  
He hesitated. “I promised Marta I’d be there. We could meet up after, that way you don’t have to change your shift.”

She tried to mask her disappointment and keep her tears at bay. They would never get to make it to that restaurant.

V.

Over and over she relived the day of the earthquake. She would wake up with the lingering grief of his death only to meet him for breakfast. She had tried so many different ways to change the outcome of the day.

She tried to prevent him from going to the brewery, but his sense of duty made him go every time. She tried to think of an excuse to keep him at the hospital, but he always ended up going even if he was late. The few times she had convinced him not to go, he was injured some other way.

No matter what changes she made, she always ended up with her head against his chest as he took his last breath.

Maybe this was just her life now, caught in a loop of losing the man she loved only to wake up and do it all over again.

VI.

She switched her shift with another resident. She was determined that this would be the time she changed the outcome. She had decided that she would attend the party with him. Maybe if she was there beside him, she would be able to encourage him to seek treatment earlier.

He had been surprised over breakfast when she said she wanted to go with him. She thought he might fight her on it since they had been working to make sure there were no cause for anymore complaints about his treatment of her. He had agreed with little argument.

Now they stood together getting ready to take a tour of the facility. She kept checking the time to see when the earthquake was supposed to hit. She knew it would be soon.

“You have somewhere else you want to be?” he asked as they walked down the hallway, his hand resting against her back.

“No,” she smiled at him. “I just wanted to see the time. Thought we might get a chance to go to that restaurant.”

He returned her smile. “I think that will have to be another night. They have food here after the tour.” He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “I’m glad that you are excited to go.”

The continued on the tour, but she wasn’t paying too much attention. She was glad to be by Neil’s side at the moment because she knew this time, she would save him.

The ground started to shake. She reached for Neil, as someone else yelled that it was an earthquake. The walls around them started to crumble as numerous beams began to fall. She had only seen the aftermath of the earthquake and being in it was even more terrifying.

As a beam fell striking her on the head, the last think she remembered was hearing Neil scream her name as everything faded to black. 

VII.

Claire woke with a start and reached for her phone. It was still the same day as the earthquake. Her going with Neil had changed nothing. Although she wasn’t sure what had happened after getting hit in the head. She reached up and felt at her temple, but just as she suspected there was no mark.

She was tired. She didn’t want to relive this day anymore. She couldn’t think of anything else to do to fix it. She had tried numerous times to change things so that Neil would live, possibility even getting killed herself.

She decided that this time she wasn’t going to do anything. She called the hospital to tell them that she was sick, and then sent Neil a quick message so he wouldn’t worry when she didn’t come to work. She then turned off her phone and pulled the covers over her head.

She tried to sleep but was restless. She allowed all the confusion, heartache and grief to take hold. Maybe she truly was losing her mind. 

She startled when she heard a knock at the door. Staying in bed, she ignored it.

“Claire,” she heard him call.

She tried not to cry. This was the first time since this mess had started that she hadn’t seen or talked to him.

“I hope you’re sleeping. I just wanted to check on you. Please call me later.”

She waited until she heard him leave before the tears started. She let out all her grief and pain. Maybe staying away from him would be the change they needed, because she could not watch him die again.

Even with her not there, the earthquake still happened. He still got injured. But this time he died alone, and that hurt even worse.

VIII.

Claire resigned herself to reliving this day for the rest of her life. She had no idea how many times she had watched Neil die. How many times she had told him she loved him and laid her head against his chest as he took his last breath.

She had tried everything to make it so he wouldn’t die. She had told him over breakfast that she loved him, which prompted him to stammer over the excuses on why they needed to just be friends. She had tried preventing him from going to the brewery, had made up reasons for him to stay at the hospital, but still he went to the party. She had tried different techniques and surgeries to fix what was wrong, but nothing worked.

As she watched him again struggle to breath, she realized the only thing she hadn’t tried was to tell him the truth. Either he would believe her, or think she was crazy. Either way, maybe the truth was the only way to break this never-ending cycle of watching him die.

IX.

She had kept herself together when they met for breakfast. She knew that he could tell that something was wrong, but as always Neil didn’t push her to share. She had a plan to tell him what had been happening, but she wasn’t sure how well it would work. She figured she really didn’t have anything to lose.

She went to his office as he was getting ready to leave for the fundraiser.

“Please don’t go,” she said, her voice breaking. “I can’t do it anymore.”

He motioned for her to go out onto the balcony, away from where anyone else can see them.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, the concern she saw in his eyes was overwhelming.

She thought back to each time she had watched him die. How he had tried to comfort her even though he was the one dying, how he had made her laugh teasing her about her bowling skills. She felt like this was her last chance to get it right and prevent his death and her heart from shattering.

“Do you trust me?” she asked.

“Of course,” he responded. “What’s going on?”

She started to pace around as all the different times she had to say goodbye ran through her head.

“It’s going to sound crazy.” She began to doubt herself, maybe she was just like her mother and she was losing her mind.

He reached out and grabbed her wrist keeping her still. “Claire, talk to me.”

“I keep waking up and it’s today, all over again.”

“Like Groundhogs Day?” he frowned. “That’s…”

“Insane. I know how this sounds, but please just don’t go to the brewery tonight.” She felt the weight of all the grief weighing down on her. “I can’t do it again.”

“What happens at the brewery?”

“There’s an earthquake. Lots of people get hurt, but you,” her eyes filled with tears. “You are too stubborn to get taken care of, you keep insisting that you are fine.” She felt the panic building up in her chest. She felt the tears stream down her face. “And I can’t save you, each time, no matter what I do, I have to watch you die.”

He stepped towards her. “I’m right here. I’m not going to die today.”

She can’t read what he is thinking. Either he trusts her, or he is thinking about who to call for a psych consult.

“Please just stay at the hospital,” she begged, “I can’t do it again.”

“How many times?” he asks softly.

That was not the question she expected from him.

“I stopped counting after twenty.” She felt shaky and exhausted. She wiped at the tears on her face.

“Come here,” he motioned for her. 

She stepped into his embrace, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. She couldn’t stop the tears from falling as she realized that she had never gotten to do this before. He gently rubbed his hand up and down her back.

“I think you should go home, get some rest.”

She stepped out of his embrace. “You don’t believe me,” she said shaking her head. She wasn’t sure she would either if the roles were reversed. “I know it sounds ridiculous.”

“I know you believe what you’re telling me.” He sighed. “I trust you Claire.”

“But you’re still going.”

“I made a promise to Marta.” He reached for her hand. “Tell me about my injury. If what you say does happen, then I’ll take care of it.”

She explained how he is hit on the side and has a bruise, and how he refused to get checked out. He would insist that he is fine so he can take care of Marta, and each time he would wait too long, and the internal bleeding caused too much damage.

“Have you told me before, what happens?”

“No,” she shrugged. “I figured I’d wake up again tomorrow doing it all over again anyway so why not try something different.”

He reached out and took her hand as he searched her face. She felt uneasy under his scrutiny but figured if he did end up placing her under a psych hold, she would still wake up in her own bed tomorrow ready to try again.

“Okay,” he said finally. “I’m going to go to the party.”

Her heart sunk. She felt panic building in her chest. She couldn’t say goodbye to him again. He reached up and caressed her face, wiping away her tears.

“I’m going and if what you said happens, I’ll seek medical attention.”

She hoped he would. As he reached the door, she couldn’t help herself and blurted out, “I love you.” 

He turned and looked at her. He offered her a small smile but didn’t say anything as he left. She sat down on the bench and gave into her pain. After a few minutes she wiped her eyes and headed down to the ER. Having done this so many times before, she went through the expected motions and got ready to go to the brewery when Lim called for them.

As always, she found him shortly after they arrived. He seemed to be more shaken than the other times.

“We have to help Marta,” he said, as she moved to lift his shirt checking for the familiar bruise.

“You promised.”

“I really do feel fine.”

“Someone else can help me with the surgery.” By this point she had done it so many times she could do it in her sleep. “You’re bleeding internally, please.”

He walked away from her and went to talk to another paramedic. A few minutes later Lim showed up. Neil explained that they need to do surgery on Marta, and he needed Lim to perform it.

“Why?”

Neil lifted his shirt showing the bruise. “Claire’s worried there could be internal bleeding.”

“Good call,” Lim answered. She called ahead to the hospital so that they know he is coming and the tests that he needed.

A sense of relief starts to build, and Claire hoped that she wouldn’t be saying goodbye to him later.

While she had completed the surgery many times before, it was different with Lim than with Neil. When she left to grab the beer engine to make a cell saver, she missed having Neil beside her. She could still see the look on his face when she had done it the first time.

As with every other time, Marta’s surgery was a success, and Claire was able to head back to the hospital. Before she had left the site, Lim had informed her that she’d been right and there was internal bleeding, but they caught it in time. They had taken Neil into surgery and he was now in recovery.

As much as Claire wanted to rush to his side, she knew she had a responsibility to the patients in the ER. A few hours later, things finally started to slow down, and she was able to go to him.

As always it was jarring to see him in the hospital bed, but this time his skin didn’t have the same ashy gray color as the previous times. He looked exhausted and weakened, but not like he was going to die. She sat down in the chair beside him and reached out to take his hand. 

“You saved me,” he said squeezing her hand.

“Thank you for listening and coming to the hospital,” she answered. “Marta is in recovery.”

He nodded. “Audrey was here a little while ago and told me. She told me about the beer engine idea. I’m curious, was that from repeatedly doing the surgery?” 

“No, I had that idea the first time.”

He smiled at her. “That’s because you’re brilliant.”

“So, you believe me?”

“I don’t know. It’s sounds impossible. But I’m alive because of what you told me this morning. I felt fine. I would’ve kept working.” He brought her hand up to his mouth and gently kissed it. “I should’ve said this earlier, I love you too.”

She moved to rest her head against his chest, the same way she had every other time, only this time she wasn’t waiting for him to take his last breath.

“You should rest.”

“I don’t want to fall asleep,” she admitted, terrified that she would have to live through it all again.

He moved his hand up to her face. “I told you I wasn’t going to die today. I will be here when you wake up.”

Trusting him, she felt the overwhelming exhaustion take over and she fell asleep.

X.

Claire woke up before her alarm. She slowly sat up and looked at Neil asleep in the bed. She quickly glanced at his vitals before checking the date. She closed her eyes in relief. She had finally done it. She had broken the loop. She shouldn’t have been surprised that the key was trusting Neil.

She watched him as he slept thinking about all the things that she thought they had missed out on but now would have a chance to do. They had their whole future ahead of them.

She was so excited to see what tomorrow would bring.


End file.
